My Dark Vanessa by Kate Elizabeth Russell

Star rating: 4.5/5

TRIGGER WARNING - this book contains graphic scenes of rape, grooming, and sexual and psychological abuse.

Summary:

Vanessa is a sophomore at boarding school when her English teacher first rapes her. She is a loner, and a writer, and Jacob Strane grooms her by complimenting her writing, by commenting on how mature she is for her age. Vanessa is at first thrilled by the attention and feels powerful because of it, but Strane quickly takes things out of her control, and soon she is pulled deep into the cycle of abuse. Now, as an adult, several other young girls from the same school make similar allegations against Strane. Vanessa is hurt and confused by the idea that he could have done similar things to other young girls. She thinks she is special, that he was and still is in love with her, that it wasn't rape, that it wasn't wrong. 

With the perspective switching from past to present, we are taken deep into Vanessa's mind, experiencing the torture she endures as she tries to make sense of all that has happened to her. 

Review:

Yikes. This is one of the most uncomfortable books I have ever read, but I could not put it down. I finished it in just over 24 hours. It is creepy, dark, frightening, upsetting, haunting. I can't even say that I liked it. It would be more accurate to say that I hated it - hated the story, but not the book. 

For people on the outside looking in on abusive relationships, it can be so easy to say, "That person is a monster! An abuser! You have to hate them! How can you not recognize that they are abusing you? How can you not walk away?" For someone on the inside of an abusive relationship, especially someone who has been groomed from a young age, it is often not that simple. They want to believe that they are loved and cared for by this person. Vanessa defends him time and again, gets close to speaking out against him and then retreats, gets close to calling it what it is and then retreats. We get to see her anger, confusion, self-deprecation, guilt, denial, hatred, love. It's raw, real, and powerful. 

My main reason for taking off half a star here is that the graphic scenes of child rape and abuse felt wrong and pornographic.  I understand why they might have been a necessary part of the story, to really help us see what Vanessa endured, but it felt exploitative, even as fiction. 

Ultimately, this is not a book to be taken lightly. Please take care of yourself as you read it (I don't necessarily recommend tearing through it in a day the way I did.) I recommend My Dark Vanessa if you enjoyed All the Ugly and Wonderful Things and other dark psychological novels.